Rolling out the family jewels

As always, Halloween tested my sanity this year...we took on our most ambitious project to date, and it all started with Christmas shopping.

This year I bought Tess a few pieces of jewelry at a show that I attended. Worried that keeping it all in white boxes would be cumbersome I mentioned to Brandon that we ought to get her a jewelry box..."You know, the kind with the ballerina inside."

And since it was September and pumpkins were in our eyes my sister said the words that sealed our fate..."THAT would be an awesome costume!"

Indeed...but how?

One 35 year old army trunk, gallons of spray paint and about ten pounds of Styrofoam later we found out that creating a life-size jewelry box was no mean feat. In fact it was a major pain in the butt. We also had a rather unwilling ballerina who did not care for her bedazzled finery and was more interested in trying to see how many times she could throw her giant pearl necklace into the street. Being that Tess will be three years old next Halloween and will likely have ideas of her own I figured that this is my last chance to really do something major. (Indeed, she had plenty of ideas of her own THIS year but I didn't think that a monkey dinosaur would be all that easy to pull off either.)

But we perservered...we glued linings, we bought mirrors, we mounted the whole thing on wheels and VOILA! One functional, if not entirely cooperative roving Halloween float.

When I heard about the Parent Bloggers Network partnering with Blurb.com for a Halloween Costume contest I had to put forth the fruits of our labor.

Behold our creation:

Category Entry: Most Creative Costume


Category Entry: Best Handmade Costume


Category Entry: Cutest Costume (age 2 and under)


Thanks to Parent Bloggers Network and Blurb.com for sponsoring the contest and checking out our pics!

Sucker for a punch

I don't know if Tess gets her superhuman strength from me or from Brandon, but in the last few weeks she has inflicted more bodily harm on me than I care to mention.

The first time she maimed me it was a completely intentional and vicious attack. I have always maintained that I don't smack. I have to try really, really hard sometimes not to smack but thus far I have succeeded.

Until last week.

Naptime is always a power struggle and when it goes on for more than an hour nerves tend to be stretched taut. This particular day, I had placed her down for her nap for, I think, the sixty billionth time and said in a firm and no-nonsense I Am Mom kind of a voice, "TAKE A NAP!" To which Tess replied, "No!" and kicked me on the top of the head with the heel of her foot. My teeth literally rattled and I got that metallic kind of a taste in the back of my throat that comes with major trauma to the head. For a minute, I though that something had fallen from the ceiling or a sniper had shot me, it was that hard and that abrupt. When I realized it was this tiny two year old child and her freakishly powerful feet I almost passed out anyway.

She probably would have gotten away with it if she hadn't started laughing at me. I was staggering around, holding my head in agony, all the time rasping, "No! You doooon't kick Mom in the head, nooo, doooon't everdoitagain..." and the whole time she was busting a gut over the hilarity of it all. To drive home the severity of the situation I gave her a swat to the butt, not even hard enough to feel it in my hand, and she started screaming like I had used a baseball bat, as manipulation has proved her greatest talent thusfar.

Two days ago she got me again, this time, out of love.

Tess will randomly become wildly affectionate and when this happens she will scream, "BIG HUG!" and launch herself at her appointed target. She was sitting with me on the couch and I was completely unprepared so when I heard the siren call of, "BIG HUG!" I looked up, which was an inappropriate response, and receive the full brunt of her rock hard toddler head hit me right in the mouth. I immediately reached for my chin to catch the torrent of blood that was certain to begin at any moment and when none came I probed the area gently only to find a MASSIVE blood blister deforming my face. I was drinking an ice cold diet Pepsi at the moment and so I used the cold glass to try and head off further damages...I do not know what the consequences may have been had I not been so prepared.

I live in fear now...I may have to invest in a helmet or some super hold hairspray as a means of protection. Tess remains unaware of her gift and for this I am grateful...though should she wish to practice her skills on a more appropriate target, say, my sister's evil dog or my husband whenever he is being annoying, I might not mind so much.

Our debut

Much to my surprise, the unveiling of the Teddy Thompson video featuring Rufus Wainwright is ALSO featuring Brooke and Amanda. Shocking! We did not entirely litter the cutting room floor as I had expected.

Now, instructions for optimal viewing pleasure:

1. This video can't be embedded so here is the link on YouTube.

2. Hit Play and wait four seconds.

3. There! Pause immediately! Right there, at second four, you can clearly see me and Amanda zoom into the frame (from the right hand side of the screen) and clap.

4. End

Just in case you have trouble finding us, here is a handy still to enhance your chances of catching a glimpse:





And for all that...we only had to skate for four hours...I tell you, the magic of editing! I will also say, with absolute certainty that this is FAR more exposure than I had expected...I didn't think we would be in it at all. Now our professional roller skating video girl careers can really start to take off!

Bye bye!!!

Ok folks, I'm afraid I am going to have to up and move the whole operation. However much I enjoy receiving comments that my child is, quote, "fucking creepy", I think it would be in my best interest to change my blog url so that "fucking demented" people can no longer find it.

Which truly sucks because I have been in this spot for almost five years and it's really going to be a bitch to move it out.

What I am most likely going to do is change my url and then contact my friends and family as many of my normal blog friends as possible with the new info.

Sorry for the upheaval with short notice but I am really not a happy camper right now.

Running away...

Did it again! Oh yeah, I just continue to lie and suck.

Ok, here is my lame excuse...but be prepared, it's lame.

I usually always blog late at night because that is when Tess is asleep and to write anything with her conscious is just not going to happen. A few weeks ago, after hitting a plateau on my continuing quest to Watch my Weight I started running. And I run when I used to blog because I can't, obviously, run with Tess and it's too hot during the day anyway. So I run at night. When I used to blog...and so the blog suffers.

I recieved a verbal lashing about this the other day so I am attempting to make amends. For right now, I am going to share some of my recent Toddler Adventures in photo form, as that is my usual method of attack. So! Here in rapid succession:

Fourth of July (actually the day before...it poured buckets on the 4th...I know because I went out and ran in it like the psycho that I am...)






Earlier this week I took Tess down the shore for the first time this year. We had about 1.3 hours of sunshine, then a lot of clouds and then driving rain. The rain really helped me develop my crane game skills and I managed to walk away with both a large Sponge Bob as well as a droopy faced dog for only $15.00 in quarters. I was super proud of Tess, she LOVED the beach, even when it started raining she didn't want to come in. We got nailed with a huge wave that went right over her head and she loved every second. She was also a champ on the carnival rides, most of which she had to brave solo because I was too big to go on.








I have to get back there because it was a bargain of a day (crane game aside), not to mention the fact that she passed out early and slept like a log that night. Good times.

Ok, so I have two pressing issues that I need to deal with, namely:

1. My birthday festivities.
2. Allison's blog, promised to Allison many moons ago.

And deal with them I will...but for now, it's lunch for me. I run all the time people, I need my strength!

(12 pounds left to my goal and my BMI is 23! Sweeeeeeet!)

All of my thirty years...

Oh my God...I am thirty today.

I woke up surprisingly late because Tess, obviously honoring the day of my birth, slept in until after nine. The surprises continued when I stepped on the scale for my Tuesday morning weigh-in only to discover that I weighed a mere 62 pounds! "62 pounds!" thought I..."I had better eat something full of fat right now! To the cake!" This thought was squashed when I realized that the scale was weighing in kilograms today...I guess even scales get bored sometimes.

I am excited about my birthday line-up. Amanda and I are holding our customary bash on the 5th (she will be 25 on the 8th...25...bitch). Tonight my best friend Neal, who I see much less than I would like, is coming in from the city to go out for drinks, so that will be good times :)

Much better than the time we had at our family reunion this past weekend...it was horrid. We drove up to the Catskills for a reunion/70th birthday party for some of the older members of our clan. The hotel...well, let me just let you read some actual review excerpts from Trip advisor...

"Dank, dark, smells like mildew and old people."

"Horrible! I would not go back there if it was for FREE."

"The indoor pool was really bad, and the tiles surrounding the indoor pool were so slippery, i saw at least 3 little kids fall and smack their heads. I was also told there were 2 drownings in the indoor pool this past year."

"Our room was a suite with a living room and separate bedroom. It was spacious. But it smelled like rotting cheese. I hoped it was temporary but the cleaning woman said it normally smells like cheese."

"It reminded me of "The Shining." The only way I could sleep in the room that was deemed newly renovated was to get totally intoxicated."

Sadly...these reviews are all true.

We did not pick the hotel, since we were with a group we were just told where to make reservations and show up. We didn't check the reviews until the day before we left so to say we were excited to see this horror show would be putting it mildly.

Here are just a few pictures of the fine ameneties offered:


This is the inside of the elevator...the very sight of those buttons filled me with fear. The floor of the elevator was always covered in water, owing to the fact that the pool was in the basement and everyone rode up soaking wet, and when the elevator stopped you had to wait a good thirty seconds for it to stop bouncing so that the doors would open. This was not as bad as the five to ten minute wait for the elevator to actually arrive at any given destination.



It also had carpeted walls, which makes for some great mildew.



Brandon and I were thoughtfully given the honeymoon suite which consisted of a red door with a heart drawn around the number...




and featured the little known hotel option of TWIN beds!



The twin beds were an issue...considering there were three of us, and I ended up having to push the hotel chairs up next to the bed so Tess would not topple off in the night. As it was, we had enough trouble sharing our lone pillow. We were also put off by the fact that we were inexplicably given carpet padding on our bed in lieu of a blanket...



Which ended up not really mattering since it was 600 degrees and our air conditioner was broken.

Can you tell we had a GREAT time??? Should I go on to mention that we spent a grand total of TWENTY minutes at the reunion portion of our evening before Tess flipped out and had to be taken back to the gross room? Or that she cried to go home so hard that she puked all over me? Are you getting the feel of the weekend? Here are some more, less frightening pictures of the quiet times...






Look how excited Brandon looks! Good times!

Anyway...crappy weekend aside, I am looking forward to tonight and I will undoubtedly have more tales to tell before long.

Intolerant

Clearly I have done something filthy and vile to anger Lactose...god of milk and soft cheeses. This is the only reason I can come up with to explain why, without provocation, an entire gallon of milk exploded in the trunk of my car this morning.

I needed milk. I needed milk and so I went to Wegmans where it is physically impossible to leave with only one or two items and so I ended up with $100 worth of groceries. It is 128 degrees outside with the relative humidity peaking at about the same percent and it rained the entire way to the store, causing Tess and I to get wet before entering the freezing cold store. Then we paid, went outside and were delighted to find out that the rain had stopped, only to be replaced with air so thick it was practically a solid and steam wafted off our bodies in dense clouds.

I just had to have milk, right?

Pulling up in front of the house, we left the proctective air conditioning of the car and again swam for the house. I lifted the lid of the trunk and my feet were immediately and alarmingly drenched. My first thought was, obviously, "Fuck!" and my second was, "Please don't be the bleach, please don't be the bleach."

No, it was the lucky first runner up.

It took me a good forty five minutes, an entire roll of paper towels, a gallon of steaming hot water and detergent, some vigorous scrubbing and the removal of my spare tire before I was convinced that I got it all. Only time will tell really, and it is a 50/50 shot that I will spend the rest of the summer driving with my head out of the window to various outdoor markets where I can then pop the truck and open shop for my new business venture..."Brie by Brooke".