L-Casei Immuni-lies: The Dannon Conspiracy

My husband, vigilant television viewer that he is, has long taken umbrage with the Dannon Activia commercials. More specifically, he has issues with their "clinical studies" and the weirdo sounding names that they have attached to their helpful bacteria.

If you are unfamiliar with Dannon Activia brand yogurt, I will tell you that they sport two, decidedly trendy-sounding, ummm...ingredients (?) in their yogurt designed to make you poop: "Bifidus regularis" and "L casei immunitas". Bifidus regularis, which is prominently featured on their packaging along with an apparently healthy and functioning belly button seems to be their ace in the yogurt hole.

Fig. 1:





So bothered was my husband by the implication of these substances on planet Earth that he actually called me from work on day with the following request:

"Go online and see if you can get to the bottom of that yogurt commercial..."

His wish being my command I did indeed hit up my computer and found out the following.

1. L Casei Immunitas? FAKE! Well, the actual organism is real but it was made over to pander to the apparently brainless television community as seen in the following example that I just now made up:

Everyday American with or without all his teeth: "Immunitas? Why, that there sounds like immunit-Y! Immunity done help you not get sick! That'n there must be some good shit, lets go buy us a truckful!"

2. Bifidus Regularis, actually called Bifidobacterium animalis (probably renamed so that the public would not think that ingesting it would turn them suddenly into a panda.) is a real thing that apparently does do something for your digestive tract. Now if they really wanted to go all out and do a rename I think they should have just gone with something simple. Here are some of my own suggestions:

Shittius Youwillius
Bowelus Eruptus
Intestinum Upheavalest
Regularum Youbetcha!

I could go on but really, it's too easy.

Anyway, my husband was not the only one perturbed by Dannon's vicious lying campaign (not to mention the annoying people in all their commercials and that horrible themesong...Activiaaaaa!). Apparently Dannon is being sued (haha!) by a party or parties claiming that their reasearch was not up to snuff:

The lawsuit says that the ad lie and that Dannon's own research doesn't even back up the medical claims. The yogurt costs 30% more than regular yogurts and the lawsuit says that this is unwarranted because the advertising is deceptive. The suit is looking for damages for anyone who bought any of the Activia brands, and they also want Dannon to stop the ads and run a new "corrective ad campaign."

That's right! These people want their 30% back for the L Casei Bifidus Regularis that isn't even real and did not change their digestive habits in the least! These people had a need! And now they are 30% above and beyond the cost of normal yogurt poorer for having trusted the lying swine at Dannon! Does the injustice ever end?

No. No, it doesn't.

Have you or a member of your immediate family been a victim on the Dannon Conspiracy? Can you actually taste your bifidus going regularis? Did your L Casei actually immunitize? Please share!

I can't speak from actual experience, you couldn't pay me to eat yogurt without fruit on the bottom...

And who is the Dannon logo smiling at anyway? Is it smiling at me???