A Calculated Risk

By that I mean that I am risking that some rabid fan will not find and kill me as a result of this post.

(Not a rabid fan of mine...I don't think I have any. Do I? Are you one?)

Anyway.

Ok, so though I watch it every day, I actually have several thousand problems with the TV Food Network. I would estimate that I harbor a feeling of deep dislike for at least 70% of the hosts that they employ there.

I can't stand Giata and her Giata-normous head. Here's a tip...when you weigh 75 pounds and your head is 50 of them, an abundance of cleavage just looks weird.

I loathe and despise Emeril. He always looks hopped up on cocaine and perpetually sweaty...I don't need that near my food. A tip for Emeril: Enough with the "BAM!". It's stupid...and you can't even lay claim to it, the Rubbles' kid on The Flintstones said it way before you did. He should beat you over the head with his club for plagiarism.

I can't bear to watch Ina in her Hampton's home cooking little theme meals for her gay husband simply because she is incapable of speaking above a whisper and once made hamburgers with a big hunk of butter in the middle...don't think that's really necessary when we're already pushing 300 pounds, hmmm?

Ok, so now to the meat and potatoes (HA!) of this post...let's talk about that dainty little dish Paula Deen.

I never really cared for her cuisine because I would like my heart to keep beating for at least the next sixty years. I am not a huge fan of pure lard, nor do I really need to own and operate my own dairy farm simply to keep me in enough butter to complete one of her dishes. That being said, she made something a few months back that just blew me away!

It was for a Ladies Luncheon. How sweet. When I think of a Ladies Luncheon I tend to think of, oh, I don't know, finger sandwiches, some nice salad options, maybe a mimosa or a mint julep?

What I don't think of is something like this:





Now. Just so we are all on the same page, that is one hamburger, topped with both bacon AND a fried egg, perched between TWO...almond glazed doughnuts.

That is totally disgusting. I do not want to see the state of these ladies at this luncheon. She should have just called it, "An Easy Way to Kill Your Friends!"

Now the lady she had with her to taste test this disgusting mound of grilled meat between Krispy Kremes proclaimed it, "A little bite of Heaven!" Probably because each little bite you take will certainly get you a lot closer To Heaven. But not without a stop at the defibrillator paddles...

I'm terribly sorry but people wonder why there is such an epidemic of obesity in this country when THIS is what we are offered by way of cuisine? Arrrgh, Paula Deen, what are you trying to do to us!

And hey, stop taking such huge honking bites of everything you make...you can eat it alllll up in good time, you don't have to fit an entire serving suggestion into your mouth at once while America watches in horror.