Sucker for a punch

I don't know if Tess gets her superhuman strength from me or from Brandon, but in the last few weeks she has inflicted more bodily harm on me than I care to mention.

The first time she maimed me it was a completely intentional and vicious attack. I have always maintained that I don't smack. I have to try really, really hard sometimes not to smack but thus far I have succeeded.

Until last week.

Naptime is always a power struggle and when it goes on for more than an hour nerves tend to be stretched taut. This particular day, I had placed her down for her nap for, I think, the sixty billionth time and said in a firm and no-nonsense I Am Mom kind of a voice, "TAKE A NAP!" To which Tess replied, "No!" and kicked me on the top of the head with the heel of her foot. My teeth literally rattled and I got that metallic kind of a taste in the back of my throat that comes with major trauma to the head. For a minute, I though that something had fallen from the ceiling or a sniper had shot me, it was that hard and that abrupt. When I realized it was this tiny two year old child and her freakishly powerful feet I almost passed out anyway.

She probably would have gotten away with it if she hadn't started laughing at me. I was staggering around, holding my head in agony, all the time rasping, "No! You doooon't kick Mom in the head, nooo, doooon't everdoitagain..." and the whole time she was busting a gut over the hilarity of it all. To drive home the severity of the situation I gave her a swat to the butt, not even hard enough to feel it in my hand, and she started screaming like I had used a baseball bat, as manipulation has proved her greatest talent thusfar.

Two days ago she got me again, this time, out of love.

Tess will randomly become wildly affectionate and when this happens she will scream, "BIG HUG!" and launch herself at her appointed target. She was sitting with me on the couch and I was completely unprepared so when I heard the siren call of, "BIG HUG!" I looked up, which was an inappropriate response, and receive the full brunt of her rock hard toddler head hit me right in the mouth. I immediately reached for my chin to catch the torrent of blood that was certain to begin at any moment and when none came I probed the area gently only to find a MASSIVE blood blister deforming my face. I was drinking an ice cold diet Pepsi at the moment and so I used the cold glass to try and head off further damages...I do not know what the consequences may have been had I not been so prepared.

I live in fear now...I may have to invest in a helmet or some super hold hairspray as a means of protection. Tess remains unaware of her gift and for this I am grateful...though should she wish to practice her skills on a more appropriate target, say, my sister's evil dog or my husband whenever he is being annoying, I might not mind so much.