Chutes and Ladders

Rolling out the family jewels

2008-10-31T19:47:00.004-04:00

As always, Halloween tested my sanity this year...we took on our most ambitious project to date, and it all started with Christmas shopping.This year I bought Tess a few pieces of jewelry at a show that I attended. Worried that keeping it all in white boxes would be cumbersome I mentioned to Brandon that we ought to get her a jewelry box..."You know, the kind with the ballerina inside." And

Sucker for a punch

2008-07-31T14:18:00.002-04:00

I don't know if Tess gets her superhuman strength from me or from Brandon, but in the last few weeks she has inflicted more bodily harm on me than I care to mention.The first time she maimed me it was a completely intentional and vicious attack. I have always maintained that I don't smack. I have to try really, really hard sometimes not to smack but thus far I have succeeded. Until last

Our debut

2008-07-22T15:05:00.003-04:00

Much to my surprise, the unveiling of the Teddy Thompson video featuring Rufus Wainwright is ALSO featuring Brooke and Amanda. Shocking! We did not entirely litter the cutting room floor as I had expected.Now, instructions for optimal viewing pleasure:1. This video can't be embedded so here is the link on YouTube.2. Hit Play and wait four seconds.3. There! Pause immediately! Right there,

Bye bye!!!

2008-07-14T09:00:00.002-04:00

Ok folks, I'm afraid I am going to have to up and move the whole operation. However much I enjoy receiving comments that my child is, quote, "fucking creepy", I think it would be in my best interest to change my blog url so that "fucking demented" people can no longer find it.Which truly sucks because I have been in this spot for almost five years and it's really going to be a bitch to move it

Running away...

2008-07-10T12:45:00.004-04:00

Did it again! Oh yeah, I just continue to lie and suck.Ok, here is my lame excuse...but be prepared, it's lame.I usually always blog late at night because that is when Tess is asleep and to write anything with her conscious is just not going to happen. A few weeks ago, after hitting a plateau on my continuing quest to Watch my Weight I started running. And I run when I used to blog because I

All of my thirty years...

2008-07-01T09:30:00.005-04:00

Oh my God...I am thirty today.I woke up surprisingly late because Tess, obviously honoring the day of my birth, slept in until after nine. The surprises continued when I stepped on the scale for my Tuesday morning weigh-in only to discover that I weighed a mere 62 pounds! "62 pounds!" thought I..."I had better eat something full of fat right now! To the cake!" This thought was squashed when I

Intolerant

2008-06-23T12:28:00.002-04:00

Clearly I have done something filthy and vile to anger Lactose...god of milk and soft cheeses. This is the only reason I can come up with to explain why, without provocation, an entire gallon of milk exploded in the trunk of my car this morning.I needed milk. I needed milk and so I went to Wegmans where it is physically impossible to leave with only one or two items and so I ended up with $100

Ten days

2008-06-18T19:59:00.003-04:00

Seriously? What the hell is wrong with me? I am lazy, that's what.I am also dull. There is precious little going on at the moment, which is both mundane and comforting. No triumphs but (hoorah!) no tragedies. Which, I suppose is a triumph in itself. Why do I feel like I am not even making sense?All right, all right, instead I will give you some video, which was shot today after a HORRIFIC

A death in the family

2008-06-08T22:37:00.003-04:00

I can think of few things that are less pleasant than what I woke up to this morning.A few months back I posted a short clip which featured the ongoing bizarre behavior of Tess' betta fish Dorothy. Dorothy was in a fish funk and spent the bulk of his time floating leisurely at the top of his bowl for the sole purpose of fooling me into thinking he was dead every day. Following close observation

Thanks for the boards...

2008-06-04T22:40:00.004-04:00

Argh! Tess was so sick this week. She was striken with a virus and her fever spiked at almost 104 degrees, she was literally too ill to hold her head up and she scared the hell out of me. She is fine now but that is why I have been absent, both in posts and in comments.Just a brief word and then I am going to bombard you with pictures. I need to give a big screaming THANK YOU to all the people on

A gift from God

2008-05-28T21:28:00.010-04:00

If you really want something, and really work hard, and take advantage of opportunities, and never give up, you will find a way. -Jane GoodallYou tell 'em Jane.This weekend I was probably as close to a spiritual epiphany as I will ever come. The culmination of years of effort and tears was thrust into my lap and I received absolution in a way that I would never in a million years imagine.This was

Out in the yard

2008-05-18T21:52:00.005-04:00

Is there anything more exciting than a yard sale? How about a town-wide yard sale that the town forgot to advertise? So no one showed up for the first four hours that you were sitting on the lawn? And a huge rainstorm moved in just as you were starting to sell stuff? Anything better than that? Anyone?Yard sales are exhausting. In order to make ours into a light-hearted environment of fun, we

It's not the Virgin Mary but...

2008-05-16T18:25:00.003-04:00

Tess TOTALLY drew Alfred Hitchcock today!And then decided that he would look better with hair...

Testing

2008-05-15T01:22:00.002-04:00

Hi all. This is Tess' college fund. I'm just playing around with some colors to get an idea as to what I can and can't do with the code. Hopefully I'm able to put the layout I have in mind onto the blog soon.Thanks for your patience. :D

Up and up and up

2008-05-12T12:58:00.008-04:00

I haven't posted stats in a while but we had a healthy kid checkup this morning, which is always more enjoyable than your standard, "Oh God, another oozing boil has erupted on her butt," visit. Today we learned that Tess gained three pounds and grew an inch and a half since her last visit six months ago making her a very healthy 32lbs, 36 and 1/2 inches. The doctor was very pleased with her

Hey mommies...

2008-05-11T11:37:00.001-04:00

Enjoy today :)

Send pants

2008-05-08T10:23:00.017-04:00

The situation is grave. I am down to two pairs that fit, one of which I bought yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to not be fitting into my old pants but I just wish I had had the forsight to reserve some of Tess' spring/summer wardrobe budget for my own personal pant needs.Anyway, I did not come here purely to discuss pants, fascinating though they may be. I came instead to talk about a

Mi poco Picasso

2008-04-30T11:13:00.003-04:00

When all else fails, bust out the fingerpaint. We had a couple of nasty, rainy days coupled with, yes, you guessed it because it is the Thing That Will Not Die, a MRSA relapse which put everyone involved in an indoor kind of mood.I noticed a small bump on its way to becoming a big bump on Tess' tush Monday morning which prompted a speedy visit back to the pediatrician where it was confirmed to

A Trip to Ikea-Adventures in Wuunderlaand

2008-04-25T14:48:00.003-04:00

Tess' dresser has been slowly disintegrating into a pile of wood chips for a while now and after noticing the other day that there is not even one drawer that can withstand the stress of being opened and closed without falling off the tracks and creating a potentially finger-severing situation it was decided that a new dresser was in order.After a false start at Babies R Us we ended up at Ikea.

Favor

2008-04-24T12:20:00.002-04:00

My sister in law has been involved in an 11 or 12 week karaoke contest (sort of like an AI kind of thing) and after making it to the next to the last week of the contest she was voted off last night. She can be voted back on for the finale next week if enough people write in to have her put back in the contest so if you have a sec and want to help out you can e-mail ladiezngentzentertainment@

A new little guy

2008-04-22T21:28:00.004-04:00

I have a huge family, which I think has been made evident by my holiday photographs but until now we have only had one great-grandchild (that would be Tess :)This morning my cousin Megan delivered the very first little boy to be born to our massive clan in almost 25 years! (That's a WHOLE lot of X chromosomes!)Welcome Chase! 8lbs 6oz and 21" longTess is very excited, she looked at the pictures

Under Construction

2008-04-22T14:38:00.002-04:00

My soon to be fake wife Jin Hee (currently my sister's fake wife...but I am totally stealing her away) is in the process of pretty-ing up my blog in exchange for my superior technical writing skills and ability to effectively communicate with hiring managers. So you will be seeing many changes in the days to come...fire eaters, live toads, possibly even dancing nudes...the possibilities are

A Calculated Risk

2008-04-17T14:31:00.003-04:00

By that I mean that I am risking that some rabid fan will not find and kill me as a result of this post.(Not a rabid fan of mine...I don't think I have any. Do I? Are you one?)Anyway.Ok, so though I watch it every day, I actually have several thousand problems with the TV Food Network. I would estimate that I harbor a feeling of deep dislike for at least 70% of the hosts that they employ there.I

Let's go fly a kite!

2008-04-16T13:40:00.006-04:00

Or run with a kite...or throw a kite in the air. What really matters is that we made a very intense effort to fly a kite, despite the dismal result.How come the wind only blew when we weren't ready? Well we got some pictures anyway.Tess got the damn thing to fly about as well as we did which will give you some idea of what kind of competent kite flyers you are dealing with.I think I will go and

Ehhh....

2008-04-14T16:54:00.002-04:00

Sorry. This is not going to be good...I am posting because my sister said she is sick of looking at my gross arm...But ahhh...I am in such a funk.Tess is driving me a little bit nuts. The twos are getting terrible. Terrible. She will not go to bed. Seriously, refuses to go to sleep without major intervention. Every night we go through the same song and dance:8:15-Pajamas, teeth, vitamins,

Put down that sandwich!

2008-04-06T16:00:00.005-04:00

I've got hideous pictures to share. I know I said I wasn't going to talk about this but my doctor's appointment and follow up treatment was just so hysterical that really, I feel obligated. But not without a...Disclaimer: As aforementioned, this post will contain hideous and, depending on your individual stomach strength, potentially vomit-inducing photographs. There will also be cursing.I feel

MRSA here, MRSA there...MRSA, MRSA everywhere!

2008-04-04T14:50:00.003-04:00

GUESS WHAT I'VE GOT?????I don't even want to talk about it.Instead, I will tell you about a nice surprise we got today. Tess loves the Sunny Side Up Show on Sprout and every morning she watches it while we get breakfast ready, it's a pretty cute program. They do live segments each day and you can send in your kids' pictures for their birthdays or what have you. They also have this thing you can

Shrinky dinky...

2008-04-01T12:44:00.003-04:00

I have been doing Weight Watchers for about two months now because as I grow older and increasingly less active I feel that it is important that I Watch my Weight.So I was feeling really good about the whole thing for awhile. I lost nineteen pounds in my first two months, which is great, I went down two sizes and I am feeling swell. I felt even better when I went on The Biggest Loser website,

Not for two seconds

2008-03-26T20:37:00.004-04:00

Ok, this is going to be a quick one since I am at the stage in my cold where I have absolutely no skin left of the sides of my nose and it's just stark red open nerve endings that cause me to cringe and weep every time I pick up a tissue. BUT! I have incredible news that I must share.As a result of my untimely unemployment I decided to go whole hog and really drive the potty training home. We

Easter

2008-03-25T10:21:00.006-04:00

While Tess and I zone out in front of the TV because we are both too sick to move I will leave you with some Easter pictures...A visit from the Bunny...she didn't like the Bunny...even though it was me, and we were in her bedroom. She freaked out so I just let her fly solo:We also went to an Easter Egg hunt with Connor:And Easter day. This was the first day we started to get sick so she really

L-Casei Immuni-lies: The Dannon Conspiracy

2008-03-18T21:19:00.003-04:00

My husband, vigilant television viewer that he is, has long taken umbrage with the Dannon Activia commercials. More specifically, he has issues with their "clinical studies" and the weirdo sounding names that they have attached to their helpful bacteria.If you are unfamiliar with Dannon Activia brand yogurt, I will tell you that they sport two, decidedly trendy-sounding, ummm...ingredients (?)

Potty be damned!

2008-03-17T12:32:00.002-04:00

2 a.m.shuffle shuffle shuffle "Mommy?"(Who is that? Where am I?) "What honey, whatsamatter?""Mommy, gotta go poopy.""Ohhhh....God." (Quick calculations: Poop in Pull-ups, Mom stays in bed...poop in potty, Mom gets up, walks to the bathroom, stands under glaring light, waits for poop, redresses kid and then gets back in bed...Pull-ups on? Yes! Yes!) "Tess, just go, ok? Mommy will change you

Pictures, yes/no?

2008-03-11T16:33:00.003-04:00

Let's try that again...Ah, good. Ok...We went roller skating last week to celebrate my unemployment so here are a few pics from that...Tess (who was terrified of the dj...in all fairness he was super-loud)Tess and Aunt Cookie (aka Amanda) having a dance.Tess and I...I think she looks really pretty here :)This is just a really cute get-up I got her at the Gap and she went for the pose so I

SAHM old, SAHM old...

2008-03-10T09:35:00.003-04:00

I have been released from the clutches of corporate drudgery! I have been liberated from the cubical which held me captive! I got fired.Ok, I didn't technically get fired. Technically I quit, but I was about to get fired which was a pretty sucky way to work every day. The powers-that-be wanted me to increase my weekly schedule which I was both unwilling and unable to do and so they decided

Hate Me-Live and In Person!

2008-02-27T12:29:00.004-05:00

For those of you who were with me during the great band name debacle I would like to show you a cool little piece of art that is my sister's latest show poster.What a great band name! A very famous sounding band name!Young & Beautiful is another band that plays in my sister's circle, with many fine members including Ozzie, the incredible auteur behind Brooke and Amanda's weirdo Rufus Wainwright

The Zombie Fish

2008-02-26T14:50:00.002-05:00

I am sure you have all been on the edge of your seats over this one. The zombie fish, what, oh, what can it possibly mean?Because my mother works with animals she feels the need to spread them around and about eight months ago she brought this fish home to Tess. I had innocently mentioned the possibility of getting her a nice goldfish that would swim prettily for a few months and then die so I

Just a bunch of pictures

2008-02-23T19:02:00.008-05:00

I am really warming up my new camera so here are a bunch of this weekends pics. We had a snow event this Friday so Tess finally got the chance to wear her snowsuit and we also spent some time with Connor who Tess is finally willing to play with. Took her long enough since they are exactly the same age, almost to the day, and spent much of their first 18 months together. Like I said, she is not

A CB Trip

2008-02-20T12:44:00.003-05:00

In order for everyone to truly appreciate the Zombie fish I need to get a little snippet of video of him doing what he does best, which is nothing, so for now you are going to get my thoughts on an evil subject.CaillouSince my great-aunt has begun taking care of Tess twice a week, she has had a little more television exposure than she might otherwise. My aunt cannot work our myriad of remote

Zombies...Caillou...oh God

2008-02-19T19:07:00.002-05:00

Here I am, alive and well and probably with a couple of years slashed off of my life expectancy.I have been missing in action for awhile. Tess' MRCA came back, yippee yippee yay. We are now on the second of three antibiotics that will kill the infection so with luck this will be the end of it. Her poor little butt, I just hope she doesn't scar. The first spot is still there almost a month

A hasty request...

2008-02-11T11:18:00.000-05:00

I have not blogged but I am alive and sorta well...With a lack of further explaination until later I ask you to please do this... Hit up this video on YouTube and give it a GOOD rating! Yes, I will explain later...

I'm gonna write you a letter...

2008-01-30T13:24:00.000-05:00

I have a hidden talent that is oft utilized by those that know me well. If some injustice is visited upon a friend or family member...if customer service is not up to snuff or a package was lost in the mail, then I will get the call..."Brooke, I need you to write a letter."I write letters for a variety of occasions. My first letter was directed toward a horrible waiter at Ruby Tuesday's who

Not a bucket, per se...

2008-01-29T13:04:00.000-05:00

I am in the biggest pile of crap mood I have experienced in in a long time...This mood is making me mean and incoherent. This was made evident to me last night when my sister's maniacal dog was running back and forth at sixty million miles an hour FOR an hour and I finally screamed, "BRUCE!!! STOP IT OR I WILL BOIL YOU IN A BIG BUCKET OF SHIT!!!"There are so many things wrong with that

It's not what you think!

2008-01-25T22:29:00.000-05:00

Went to the doctor to follow up on Tess' staph infection and were met with the jolly news that it's not JUST staph, no, much more exciting than that, it's MRCA! What are the freaking odds? You think I would have won the lottery by now with the kind of luck I have.She will be fine, she is on a hard-core course of antibiotics and believe it or not this is only the second time she has ever taken

Abscession

2008-01-23T13:45:00.000-05:00

It's time for another Exciting Story from the Emergency Room!This week's installment stems from what started out as an innocent diaper rash. Yes folks, take notes because last night I learned that there are all kinds of calamaties that can befall a small child, some beyond what you are capable of imagining. Tess had a rash that I would only tentitively classify as a diaper rash. I read in one

Blending in...

2008-01-22T12:58:00.000-05:00

It is well known in my circle that I have spent more money on clothes for Tess these past two years than I have on myself in my entire life. It's a disease. It's a sickness. People who shop with me are under strict orders to carefully evaluate every tiny garment that I pick up in order to detain me with one of several pre-prepared rebuttals. I hear, "She has one just like that", "She doesn't

As Promised...

2008-01-16T13:37:00.001-05:00

It's a little dark but you get the idea...Tess gets gross

(Inappropriate word) Attack!

2008-01-15T12:43:00.000-05:00

This story was supposed to be a lot funnier than it is going to be, but the content was so questionable that I, possessor of no morals, had to consult two of the raunchiest people that I know to see if using a particular vernacular would be HIGHLY inappropriate or just mildly raunchy, but funny.Highly inappropriate won out, so here is the story, sans the really funny word (which you may be able

Let's try that again...

2008-01-09T12:36:00.000-05:00

One and a half days to buy a car? No problem!!! This is exactly what I had to do. My insurance company, blessed though they are, only paid for my rental for three days after my check was cut. Read, CUT and not RECEIVED, so while the check was cut on Wednesday, I received it on Friday and had to return my rental on Saturday at noon. So I literally had to buy a car with only the idea of a down

Shitty shitty bang bang

2008-01-02T13:29:00.000-05:00

I am glad to be the one telling you this story so you didn't have to get it from a secondary source. Like an obituary or on CNN.Last week I sat down to make a payment on my car when I noticed a truly wonderous thing. There, before my eyes and God, the number next to "Payments Remaining" dropped from 10 to 9. Single digit! I allowed myself a brief moment to imagine a world without car payments

Bilibo

2007-12-27T15:47:00.000-05:00

So this year I thought I would be a smart and nurturing mother by giving Christmas gifts that would exercise the mind as well as the body. My first step was consulting this list that was put out by some psychological institute called "The Best Toys for Toddlers". Well, if they are the best, then I shall buy the best. I chose the NUMBER ONE product on the best toys for toddlers list and

Many pictures, more words later...

2007-12-26T11:37:00.000-05:00

12/22/07Tess Turns Two!We had a huge and massive party which featured seventy million people and a very extended present opening session that no one had patience for! Least of all the birthday girl...Followed by Boy Cordouroy's first show on 12/23...Which led us to...Christmas Day:This post brought to you from work...because we have a computer virus at home. A bad one. When you turn on our

A season of sharing

2007-12-19T12:32:00.000-05:00

Oh Amanda...you are such toast, you have no idea...SHOCKINGLY, because I am usually not so reserved, I was not planning on sharing the intimate details of my colonoscopy/hemorrhoid surgery with the world...although now it looks like I'll have to. And it ain't pretty, my friends...not pretty at all.For those of you who are unfamiliar with the standard colonoscopy procedure, let me give you a

She's been HACKED!

2007-12-17T14:54:00.000-05:00

That's right ladies and gents, I've hacked into my sister's blogger!Now, at this very moment Brooke is having a very unpleasant proceedure done can you guess what it is?+Poor, poor Brooke....good thing she has her sister to keep her smiling! :DLeave her nice comments! She will want to read them later. <3 Always,Amanda

My Grandpa makes the BEST chicken!

2007-12-11T12:48:00.000-05:00

I was driving in the car with Brandon and Tess a few weeks ago and we stopped at a light. Tess, who was alone in the backseat, suddenly chirped out, "Oh, hi Grandpa!"Uneasy looks were exchanged.I looked at her in the rearview mirror. She was sitting in her carseat, looking to the right, with a beatific smile on her little face. As you might remember, Brandon's dad passed away earlier this year

Where the line gets all blurry...

2007-12-06T15:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I have a little too much fun at work...There are three people in my department...Lynn, Jill and me. We are all within the same general age range...and we are all stark, raving mad. We have no shame. We are universally hated by most other departments but those who do not actively hate us often visit us because we always provide a good laugh and sometimes, snacks.Lynn is the boss. The

God, I am lazy...

2007-12-02T23:02:00.000-05:00

The big girl bed is killing me. It's killing me. Not only am I super paranoid about putting her to bed awake and unrestrained in her room (because she knows literally thousands of ways to kill herself), it isn't even justified because she just marches her little butt right out of the room as soon as I put her in...sometimes, oh, seven hundred times in a row.This morning I could not get out of

Oh, the salty tears...

2007-11-27T13:02:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving was...a trial.This was something I knew going in. Our guest list was topping out at 20+ and when you are dealing with that many people, calamities are bound to befall you. Just so you can appreciate the scope, here are a few pictures of our Thanksgiving table(s).This is an ariel shot of the two main tables:This is the small, auxillary table that I was assigned to with my husband

Cribbage

2007-11-20T12:18:00.000-05:00

I have been lucky so I really can't complain. Now...the new era will begin.Yesterday when my husband went in to check on Tess during her nap he found her up, on the rail of her crib, straddling it like a broom, oh so proud of herself.And the terror just rose in my throat.Today, my husband went ahead and did the crib-to-bed conversion so now she can just up and jump out of bed whenever she wants,

Spam spam spam (without the eggs)

2007-11-15T13:27:00.000-05:00

I get some excellent spam.I never really paid much attention until I came back to work but now that my inbox is innundated with crazy amounts of junk mail I have started to take a closer look. You know, I have to hand it to the spammers. These are people...regular people, like you and me, trying to earn their livelihood by peddling their Viagra and Megadik to the masses with only their words (

Heartbreaker

2007-11-13T12:56:00.000-05:00

One of the little boys in Gymboree is smitten...he's got eyes for Tess.I don't know if I should be worried yet but Miss Tess tends to grab admirers from far and wide. You may remember when I caught her making out with Connor behind the couch...and check out my friend Jamie's little guy cozying up to her on the couch...But all of this is harmless right...even when the kid around the corner who is

My Car, my God...

2007-11-08T13:24:00.000-05:00

The knees are fine, thank God. Turns out she might be a little flat-footed which is really not that uncommon so we are going to massage her feet every night to help her arches develop and maybe get those little shoe inserts to help her out. I honestly hadn't noticed just how much she was walking on her toes but since I checked out her feet I am seeing her do it a lot.Crisis averted.Now let me

Kneedy

2007-11-07T12:51:00.000-05:00

Rather eventful trip to the pediatrician on Monday. After her initial exam and flu shot I mentioned that Tess is always saying that her knees hurt. Because this proclamation was not validated by any specific symptoms I wasn't too concerned. I figured that if she can run around like a little lunatic all the time she probably wasn't suffering too terribly. Her knees look fine, not red or

Mayhem

2007-11-04T20:33:00.000-05:00

I caused confusion with my last post. That particular entry was from the beginning of the year when I foolishly dyed my hair a horrible color. I was reposting it for a contest held by The Parent Bloggers Network who asked for horrible beauty mistakes. It took awhile but eventually I faded back to blond...and had really fun roots for a little while...Anyway...enough about hair.I am taking Tess

Big Red Head

2007-11-02T16:35:00.000-04:00

Today was not a good day. It was supposed to be a good day but it has quickly turned into one of those, please tell me I'm dreaming days.I will set the mood by first telling you that I got my hair colored today. You see where this is going, right? After my last disasterous hair catastrophe when I inadvertently stipped every iota of pigment out of my head in an unfortunate bleaching episode I

Halloween Aplenty

2007-11-01T23:12:00.001-04:00

This is just a taste, you can see the rest of the album here :)

Fun for all ages

2007-10-30T12:41:00.000-04:00

I love Halloween and rarely miss the chance to dress up. Since Tess was born I now obsess over dressing her up like the stage mother I was born to be. Without further adieu, I present this year's creation:This was a huge group effort as there was sewing involved. My Aunt Pam made her pinafore and hat (which was a huge pain in the butt) and my mom did the detail work with ribbons and lace and

Pumpkin time

2007-10-27T13:36:00.000-04:00

Or punkin, as Tess would say :)

The curious effects of radiation...

2007-10-24T12:49:00.001-04:00

Good lord, I haven't been here in awhile. Instead, I have been having lots of fun doing other things, including but not limited to being in the hospital and injected with a variety of poisonous substances.Oh, it sucked, I can tell you.I was forced (and I do mean forced) to go to the hospital last week when I began experiencing what I can only describe as intense and unrelenting pain in my upper

The Captions...the stories...the gays

2007-10-10T12:42:00.000-04:00

Look at me, keeping a promise in a timely manner!I want to share with you my two favorite captions from my captioning contest...the ones that cinched the Mallomars for the lucky winners. I am also going to post the True Hollywood Story behind each of the photos posted. You have been warned.To begin, I am going give you a brief tutorial of the people in the photos. As you may have already

Phase of whine and dozes

2007-10-09T12:44:00.000-04:00

I know, I suck for taking so long to post but I have two really good excuses. My first one is obvious, I'm lazy, and the second is that my daughter has turned into a small but highly accurate object of torment recently. This torment has manifested itself as long bouts of pronounced whining and an unwillingness to sleep past midnight. As a result, I have been putting all of my energy into

While you are waiting...

2007-10-04T14:23:00.000-04:00

For the contest results, go ahead and watch Tess bust a move in our brand new back room, now featuring walls!

Something really cool

2007-10-03T12:06:00.000-04:00

Ok, for those who asked about where the captions go, it's your call. I figured they could just go in comments but if you would like to e-mail me for anonymity then that's fine too: bisobert@aol.com (there is a link to my e-mail over there ----->I am sad at the lack of contest lovin'! I got one e-mail so far but that's all. Now, something really cool, as promised.I received an e-mail from Parents

The Contest

2007-09-29T20:49:00.000-04:00

Welcome to Brooke's Super Cool Captioning Contest For Mallomars and Other Stuff (BSCCCFMAOS). Before we begin, I would like to offer some basic ground rules:1. Please choose three (or more, your call) photos to write your captions for. My panel of judges will select a winner in each photo category and then, using the strictest of criteria, narrow down those winners to one wonderfully clever

Meet the judges

2007-09-27T14:09:00.000-04:00

Since this is a popular trend of late and I always strive to be on the cutting edge, I have decided to hold a contest! (Pause for cheers and applause)My inspiration for this contest is simple...I found a bunch of old pictures from my youth that were so odd they were frankly scary so I thought I would let anyone interested compete in a captioning contest for a valuable $$$prize$$$!!!!No, not money

And with the Mallomars...

2007-09-25T15:43:00.001-04:00

Comes the drama...Cookie!

Good news!

2007-09-24T20:34:00.001-04:00

Tess is thrilled to report that Mallomars have reappeared on grocery store shelves...

Already crazed and not even October...

2007-09-22T19:01:00.001-04:00

I entered Tess' Halloween costume from last year in a contest at family.com since this year's costume isn't ready yet and last year's was frankly brilliant. If you would like to check out the contest and vote for her, why that would be swell. You can see the contest here or you might be able to get directly to her costume to vote by clicking here.She is listed under the "Most Unique" category

A Topic Suggestion

2007-09-20T13:44:00.000-04:00

Because we all have days when our Muse is out getting hammered and not passing along the creative vibes, I had to hit up some outsiders for a topic to blog about. The winning suggestion comes from my friend and manager Lynn who asks:"Who is San Gennaro and why does he get a feast?"Well Lynn, an interesting question this is. Due to the fact that my knowledge of San Gennaro is roughly on par with

P...oops

2007-09-18T13:38:00.001-04:00

I made a grave error in my shrimp selection over the weekend and ended up with a rip-roaring case of food poisoning. Unpleasant though this was, I had the perk of being able to eat whatever I wanted, providing there was a toilet nearby, secure in the knowledge that it would not be with me for long and I feared no calories. Unfortunately after four days of this I was left feeling sore and

Smarty no-pants

2007-09-12T21:52:00.000-04:00

This is shocking but I got something to work. Here is a video of Tess in all her glory, showing off her smarts. She is fresh out of the tub we don't usually make her go around in a towel.transfers 038.mov

Gah! GAH!

2007-09-11T12:40:00.001-04:00

I am a little frustrated. I hate, and please let me stress hate, not having a computer at home. Visual stock of the back room shows us that we now have a ceiling, which is good, don't get me wrong, ceilings are good...but I need walls. I crave walls. I want walls and walls and walls with outlets upon outlets where I can PLUG IN MY COMPUTER!!!Yeah, it's tough. I am only in work from Tuesday

The life and loves of Charles Nelson Reilly

2007-09-05T13:08:00.000-04:00

Don't ask...I don't know.I am in a funk over my new tattoo, or rather, the tattoo that never was. Over the weekend I made very valiant efforts to get a new tattoo on my foot and it just wasn't meant to be. There was no tattoing to be had, only massive frustration and many unshed tears.Well ok, no tears, I'm not that upset. Marginally annoyed at best. Here's the scoop. I decided I wanted to

News from the front

2007-09-01T23:14:00.000-04:00

If you will allow me a moment of blatent self-censoring profanity, today was a f&*$ing suck-ass day from hell. My sister's stupid and apparently suicidal dog broke loose and I had to chase him until my heart was about to burst and I was forced to employ several innocent baseball-playing children to catch him for me while I struggled to force air into my rapidly collapsing lungs. This is all for

Sushi Hoochie

2007-08-30T13:22:00.000-04:00

I went to lunch with my work-time partners in crime yesterday and we collectively decided to go for sushi. This decision was based on several criterion, the most influential of which was the fact that Lynn is a sushi virgin and we wanted to torment her.We arrived at the restaurant and immediately broke the rules by entering a sacred Hut of Bamboo with our shoes on (something we didn't notice

All about the boobs...

2007-08-28T13:12:00.000-04:00

My daughter is a perv. I was in the supermarket yesterday with Tess who has a new hobby whenever she is riding in a shopping cart which goes a little something like this:Tess: Mama! Boobies!!! (pointing at my chest)Me: Yes, yes, that's right...Tess: TWO BOOBIES!!!Me: Mmmhmm...Tess: MAMA BOOBIES!!! (Grabbing said boobies with all her might and pinching really hard)Me: AH! Yes, ow, let go!

My guest today...

2007-08-22T20:05:00.000-04:00

Now hugely popular though they are, I do not have a huge cache of Grandma stories since she moved to a town ten hours away. Fortunately for all interested parties, the family has installed a spy to report on any and all Grandma-related antics. That spy is my Aunt Beth who recently relocated down to North Carolina to stay with my grandmother. We have received regular correspondence from our

Blame it on the contractor

2007-08-21T12:42:00.000-04:00

As you may have surmised...yup...still don't have a computer at home.Well that is not strictly true. I have two computers at home, the problem is having one that actually works. My first option is my laptop, which still refuses to allow me internet access for more than three consecutive minutes as I run round the house trying to find the elusive linksys network which is apparently hiked up to a

I think they hate us

2007-08-15T12:46:00.000-04:00

So. No word as of yet from the folks over at Rufus Central. This does not bode well. I am experiencing a sizeable bout of sadness over the possibility that after extremely strenuous preparations we may not have been selected. It took us close to two hours to shoot...six to eight to edit...we ran on glass...bought close to $100.00 worth of clothes and supplies...spent countless days working on

I didn't hear yet...I am so nervous I can't even think...

2007-08-14T12:39:00.000-04:00

So here are some pictures!

Eventually, I get to everything!

2007-08-10T00:54:00.000-04:00

Behold...The Video.

My List of Excuses

2007-08-08T12:44:00.000-04:00

1. I have not been a good blogger/blog reader and commenter because I have no computer at home at the moment since we gutted Tess' playroom so that it can get a new roof and walls (good to have) and we had to unhook it until we can find a new temporary home. My laptop decided only to work 35% of the time, 4% of the time I can actually get an internet connection. 2. I haven't posted the video

Terror in the woods!

2007-08-06T09:44:00.000-04:00

I PROMISE to post the You Choose the Topic story but since it is very likely that I will have a Rufus video to show you tomorrow I wanted to catch you up on our progress with that.This weekend was supposed to be dedicated to preparing the video that will make Rufus renounce his gaiety and fall in love with us. Unfortunately it turned into a live action episode of "When Animals Attack"Amanda and

Sheer madness

2007-08-02T13:40:00.000-04:00

I have a lot to write about so after a brief de-brief (got that?) we are going to play You Choose The Topic!(Imagine that in colored, flashing lights)About the new job. Thanks to tallgirl for reminding me (I meant to blog about this about ten days ago but I was in my stupor), I had been freelancing for a while now and I was down to one steady contract. I had quit my job watching Connor and the $$

No, no, NEVER!

2007-08-01T12:42:00.000-04:00

Yes my poppets, I am blogging once more. There is a very good reason for my advanced absence, yes...wait for it...I have gone back to work. DA-DUM!!!!!Not only that, I went back to the same job I quit almost two years ago so I already know everything. Only part-time so I still partially retain my SAHM status...or maybe not. Actually...ok, not at all. But I only work three days a week so it's

Weekend

2007-07-23T11:50:00.001-04:00

We went to Connecticut this weekend to visit my dad for his 60th birthday, hence the lack of blogging. Promise to check in with everyone soon, in the meantime, here are some pics from the weekend: Tennis lesson from GrandpaTerror by the hydrangia bushDamn racquet!

Between My Legs

2007-07-19T18:21:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned in my scintillating teaser post, my sister and I are cooking up a diabolical plan. If you have been a die-hard reader of the blog for the past four years (and I don't think anyone likes me that much) you know that I (heart) Rufus. If you don't know who Rufus is, shame on your face! It might be helpful for you to read about our previous Rufus adventures here, here and here.You

The things she says to me...

2007-07-16T22:49:00.000-04:00

The jury is still out on this one but I might have liked it a little better before she could talk. Not forever...just until her I Am God phase is over. My daughter currently holds the title of The Bossiest Human on the Planet. This is typical:Me: Honey, you want me to read you a story?Tess: NO! NO NO NO NO!Me: You want to sing songs?Tess: Da. (Term meaning the unified atomic mass unit (u),

A picture post

2007-07-15T21:04:00.000-04:00

I haven't shown many recent Tess pics...recently. Probably because my camera cable is broken. Here are a few I got off the memory card:

The genius in her early years.

2007-07-12T15:31:00.000-04:00

This story might be too cute to handle. Clearly, I have begat (Begat? Did I just say that?) a child with intelligence that is immeasurable by current testing standards. Check this out.I was giving myself a pedicure while Tess napped this afternoon and she woke up before I finished. I brought her out with me and asked her if she wanted me to paint her toes. She said yes which was amazing to me

Little known dangers...

2007-07-11T09:50:00.001-04:00

Our phone up and quit over the weekend, much to everyone's delight. No phone means no telemarketers and anyone who wants us can call the cells anyway but just in case my grandmother was trying to reach us we had to have it fixed.*True Grandma story. We were trying to figure out if something was wrong with the phone line or the actual phone so we called Grandma and told her that if she needed us